


Love That You Never Knew

by Sirith_Tower



Category: Hetalia - Fandom
Genre: Angst?, Crushes, F/M, France Being a Jerk (Hetalia), I’m sorry about France being a jerk, Old Friends to Lovers, Sadness, Suicide Attempt, definite attempt at life at one point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-26 02:42:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20734940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sirith_Tower/pseuds/Sirith_Tower
Summary: Darling Reader!You are the country of ______?You're having a hard time in the office, adjusting to being recently divorced. Surprise though! You're gonna get a call from an old friend. Turns out he's not doing so great either. Hopefully you'll both find a way to find some healing in each other.Inspired by the song ”What love really means” by JJ Heller... Might have embedded the lyrics in there somewhere.





	1. Send Someone

**Author's Note:**

> Is this fandom dead? I just wanna double-check. After all my very first fics ever were Hetalia and the rotted away in another site.
> 
> Note: Theres more of these little ”______” blanks. You just need to fill in the names for yourself.
> 
> If you can't think up of a country you'd like to be you could always go for Zinnia? I know it's a flower but it has a nice country sounding name to me. Good luck!

He wakes to a cold morning, a familiar sadness creeps into Ivan’s heart. Another morning waking to an empty bedside and a silent household even though there are other inhabitants. He cries in the corner where no one will see; Russia is the man with the story no one would believe. There were times he had hurt people but no one cared to find reason for his sudden violence. They all assumed he had this uncontrollable rage; that he wounded out of spite. With all the rumors and stories of his evil deeds floating around there was no chance to make friends, not true friends at least. The other countries had to tolerate him; Germany had once tried to oppose him but it ended disastrously. Ever since then no one would go against Mother Russia.

As soon as his tears are spent he steels himself for the day, allowing his usual smile to creep onto his face. The simple expression was useful for a couple reasons. First, it allowed him to hide the actual pain he was in, letting everyone believe that he was in control and that nothing could deter him. Second, it had the power to intimidate. Instead of receiving a friendly reaction, the small grin only made others nervous. They probably assumed he was smiling at evil thoughts, giddy at his own wickedness. There was no point in trying to explain anymore. He allowed them to think whatever they wanted since any input he added only unsettled them more.

Once he was dressed, it was time to venture out. The same scene greeted him in the kitchen; three very nervous Baltics were scurrying every which way to have things ready for him. In a way, he was proud of their diligence, but it was still upsetting that they couldn’t relax around him.

“Good morning comrades.”

“Good morning Mr. Russia, sir.” They managed to reply in unison. Usually he would poke fun by making them even more anxious with an empty threat, but today he couldn’t find neither the energy nor the motivation to try.

“I’ll be having breakfast elsewhere. Da?” He received three skittish acknowledgements. 

“Oh, and Latvia see if you grow a little more, otherwise I think we’re going to have to do some more stretching. Da?” A slight twitch at the corners of his lips and the desired effect was accomplished, causing Ravis to tremble even more. It always managed to make him chuckle when he saw someone so edgy come close to a break down. Maybe he was just that wicked.

Outside the day greeted him with grey clouds threatening to snow over the already icy streets. The reason the countries were now stationed in Canada was so that Matthew could host the meeting this month, but special circumstances had caused it to be postponed. That didn’t mean he couldn’t visit them in their homes.

“I’m sure China will be very pleased to see me.” The thought perked him up enough to go through the snow towards China’s temporary home. 

The visit didn’t go as planned. China had slammed the door in his face, saying that he was sick and hadn’t wanted to spread it. Ivan thought it was funny seeing him shiver from fear, though Yao had said it was the chills. Personally it would have been great if he could have gone in to have some of that strange tea the small man could make, but once again his energy was lacking to force his way in like usual. He had visited England, and America as well, but England also shunned him while the American had been too loud to stay for long. The rest of the day was spent wandering the town trying to find something to do. Eventually he managed to wander right back to his own house, not feeling at all better from that morning.

Inside wasn’t any warmer than outside, although he couldn’t tell the difference. The cold was constant; it was everywhere he went as if he were Cold itself. Maybe that’s why Latvia was always trembling. Either way, the three men were standing by the door waiting for his return, silently hoping he wouldn’t surprise them with his cruelty. No one expected him to just walk past them, straight upstairs to his room.

“Good evening Mr.Russia.” Ravis politely said with only a smack on the head from Eduard as a response.

“Don’t agitate him.” Ivan wasn’t listening anymore. The constant lag he had felt since this morning was still dragging him down, having him wish the day never occurred. Now back in his room, he readied himself for bed. As always, every bit of his outer clothing was removed except his scarf. On days like this having it on was perfect for comfort. His hands brushed the slightly frayed ends trying to recall the day his sister had given him this wonderful gift. It reminded him that there was one other thing he needed to do before surrendering to sleep.

He prayed every night. Every night the same prayer.

“Dear God won’t you please? Could you send someone here who will Love me?” 

† † †

The morning hadn’t gone as planned. She’d hoped to come in early to try to get some of the more difficult work out of the way. Most mornings there’d be someone to make sure she woke up on time since she had a tendency to miss her alarm. In her rush she forgot to feed her cat, take out the trash, put her clothes to wash, turn the television off, and grab her wallet. By the time she remembered all these things her boss had already scolded her for being late while giving her more paperwork to do. A never ending cycle of chaos and ruin.

It felt like her office was shrinking a little each day. Piles of paper were steadily increasing as her responsibilities also stacked up. Close to noon she decided it was best to take a break from all the tasks to find some of the cheap coffee they kept in one of the lunch rooms.

She regretted stepping out once she heard the whispers.

“He left her for her secretary?!”

“Shhhh! Not so loud. I’m surprised you don’t know yet. Apparently they had been going behind her back for months, since last Thanksgiving. ” The story never got old. Over and over the other employees would retell her story of love lost in the classic office setting about a young, pretty, energetic assistant catching the attention of the boss’s husband. Now she’s known as the woman whose husband had run away. Though the entire building knew, she had to carry on as if nothing had happened. After all, the country of _______ had to be strong and independent. With a quick pep talk to herself she entered the room, head held high and a smirk plastered on her face as if she had just won an argument. 

“Oh hello Mrs.______. How are you doing today?”

_I feel like the damn dead._

“I’m just fine Petra. How about you?”

“Great. I was just talking to Vera that we should get together for some drinks and a fat steak. Wanna come?”

“Sorry girls but I have plans after work.” She’ll go to the gym after working today. Since he left, ______ couldn’t help but take notice of all the women. Many of them had nicer figures than she and it killed her to think that if she had just taken better care of herself then he wouldn’t have abandoned her. 

“Have yourself a date?” The tone she had was dripping with the curiosity of a gossip. Better to give them something to hold on to than have them pester her with questions all day, but she didn’t want to talk. The very thought of having to open her mouth to form words seemed like work.

“I’ll let you make your own conclusion. Don’t work too hard now.” 

† † †

She hated the gym. Even though no one would be watching her, she still had a sense that she was being stared at. Being self conscious didn’t help her timidity, but it was also the reason why she forced herself to come; maybe if she where thinner then he would have stayed.

_I wasn’t pretty enough for him._

A few of her friends had told her that she was beating herself up for nothing but she wasn’t so sure. Looking back, it wasn’t her secretary’s fault that she was more attractive. She herself would fawn over her assistant’s clothes and perfect make up. No, it was her own fault for neglecting her husband’s needs. The mistake wouldn’t be made twice. Now she was dedicating herself to becoming thin and toned. No matter how tired she was, she was going to make the trip everyday to perfect herself with all the machinery available to her from the weights to the treadmills and everything in between.

At first the worry of wandering eyes kept her from doing much. In time she learned that if she started with a song she would soon forget that there were others in the room, allowing her to train freely. Today wasn’t any different. She started on one of the bicycles with her eyes shut tightly so she could imagine she was taking a ride through a winding road on a nice spring day instead of a cold gym on a winter afternoon. _____ could almost see the tall dried grass flowing like water in the wind with some scattered patches of sunflowers reaching out for the sun peeking out behind clouds on an ocean of pale blue sky. The scene almost made her miss the slight vibration on her arm band signaling that someone was calling her.

“This is _____. How may I help you?”

“_____ ,this is Ivan.” 

“Ivan?!” She hadn’t heard from him in years. A familiar twinge in her chest reminded her of why it was a surprise to hear from him.

“How did you get my number?”

“You never changed it from years ago da?” It was true. There was never a need to change it. not to mention it saved her the hassle of needing to update everyone of the change.

“How are you?”

“Good but if you want a more detailed answer you won’t mind coming to see me.” Ivan's voice came out a bit fearful. Almost as if he was afraid to speak too loud.

“Really? Now?.” She sounded doubtful but already she was trying to see if she remembered his address.

“Are you busy?” The change in his tone was obvious. He was definitely more at ease with where this was going.

“No! Not at all!” Talk about sounding desperate.

“Good, then I’ll see you in about twenty minutes at the café da?”

“Da. I-I mean yes. I’ll see you there.” As soon as she hung up her excitement appeared in the form of a large grin. “Yes!” It was all very exciting till she had a sudden realization.

"I need a shower!"


	2. Old wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello Reader!
> 
> You and Ivan are going to need some catching up time. Unfortunately you’re still a bit bitter and he’s still a bit suspicious of everyone’s intentions. Will either of you be able to let go of your pasts?

Ivan was in shock. 

Yesterday had been a total waste, but today he actually bothered to turn on his cell phone. Low and behold he found ______’s number still in his contacts. He hadn’t expected her to have the same number let alone actually answer when he called. It been so long since he talked to the small country but it didn’t discourage him. In fact he felt, dare he say, happy. He’d been sulking about how alone he was in his office fiddling with his phone when his fingers magically found their way to _____’s contact number. Now it seemed like he’d be able to see his childhood companion again. Securing his scarf round his neck he stepped out from his cold office to address his subordinate.

“I’ll be going now. Make sure no one disturbs me da?” She nodded nervously but the action didn’t bother him like usual. He was in such a good mood at the moment. It wasn’t everyday you could get together with an old friend. At least he hoped she still considered him a friend, but he was Russia. As one of the more sturdy countries, who wouldn’t want to have him around? Long ago he thought no one wanted him because of his cold demeanor, now it was the only reason that people stayed. It didn’t matter anyway because he was on his way to regain an ally. Making the situation into a business opportunity would make him less nervous.

He reached the familiar café before her, so he made sure to pick a more secluded table near the window to let what little sun they had warm them up. From his seat he saw a couple of the staff bickering, clearly to see who would be the one to wait on him. Finally a perky waitress came up for his order.

“What will it be mister?” She was nervous, he could tell.

“Two cups of Cocoa would be nice and some cookies.”

“Cocoa. Cookies. Right away.”

“And tell your friend over there not to be so nervous. I don’t bite; at least not much.” He smiled though it did nothing to ease her.

“Uh, right. I’ll make sure to do that.” Ivan chuckled to see her scurry back to make the request. Seeing as he still had time, he tampered with his phone again; every once in a while looking up to see if she had arrived. Just as the waitress came back with the order _____ came in with dark cheeks and wet hair. As far as he knew, it didn’t look like it was snowing when he was out there to cause such a flush. There was something else though; was she looking pale? Maybe even a little bit thinner. It was funny to see her look for him while trying to catch her breath from her obvious hurry; probably to not stir up his wrath.

“_____!” When her eyes found him she instantly perked up. It looked like she wasn’t terribly late since the waitress was barely putting a tray on his table.

“Ivan!” It surprised him when she strode without hesitation, instantly wrapping her arms around his shoulders and nudging his head with hers. “It’s been so long.” It pained her to let him go so soon. Until she knew what her status was with him it was best to keep as much distance as she could stand.

“It’s been a while _____. It’s good to see you after so long. I always wondered what kept you from visiting me.”

“You forgot?” Her brow furrowed in confusion.

“Forgot?” he looked genuinely confused.

“After my marriage to France I wasn’t allowed to visit you. It was part of the agreement.” Of course that French pervert would keep her away. Maybe he’d been wrong about her all this time. He couldn’t get his hopes up just yet though.

“It’s all right. So is he allowing you to see me now?” She didn’t have the strength to keep herself from tearing up when it came to the subject of Francis, so she was going to avoid the topic for now. He didn’t need to trouble himself with her problems anyway.

“Oh well right now it doesn’t matter. Tell me how you are. You did say you’d be detailed with me remember?” He smiled at the obvious misdirection.

“Yes and you always liked to change subject so I will help. It’s been awful boring since you left. Eduard no longer has an excuse to make those pastries you craved so much and sadly I can’t imagine him making them the same way if you’re not around.” The mention of Russia’s ally caused a slight wince in her.

“I didn’t leave in good terms I know, but you know it wasn’t my fault.”

“You married him.” He jabbed.

“Let’s forget about that for a while. How are you really?” At first he had planned to tell her that he missed her terribly and he wanted them to be friends again. Now it seemed she was getting annoyed which wasn’t going to help his situation.

“I’m just fine. Just making sure you weren’t need of saving is all.”

“Saving? Oh right. You always were the one to make sure the others didn’t bully me as kids.” They had always been close; best friends through most of their lives till nearly six years ago.

“You seem to be thinking about something. Tell me da?”

“It’s nothing.”

“It’s never nothing with you.” Clearly she was hesitating.

“When was the last time we had a conversation like this?”

“So you’re coming to visit me more often then da?”

“I didn’t say that. You know how Francis gets.”

“I could care less. That man was always a silly little chick.” Her laugh surprised him. It was different to what he was used to. He hadn’t heard such a natural sound from someone in a while. 

“You always made him nervous I can see why you’d see him as a chicken.”

“It’s good to hear from you again.”

“It’s like we never stopped talking. You’re even wearing the scarf. I remember when you told Japan that it was a body part.” Her chuckle was just as wonderful so he wanted to keep her laughing.

“You would’ve had said something similar with that big ring of yours. Did you lose it?” Her smile was gone instantly making him regret what he had said.

“No I didn’t lose it. I said I rather not talk about it.”

“You’re going to run out of things to talk about.” Ivan started to eat off the plate of cookies. She reached out to take one before her mind reverted back to her goal of being thin, forcing her hand back to her side. The movement was sudden enough for him to notice.

“You love sugar cookies.”

“I’m not hungry.” This was explaining her pale face.

“One doesn’t need to be hungry for cookies. At least have your Cocoa.”

“It might be too sweet.” This wasn’t normal. She was never one to turn down sweets from him. Years ago they would be fighting for the last cookie. If he didn’t know any better he’d say she was starving herself. Then again he had never known better.

“______ being afraid of sweetness? You lost your sweet tooth along with your ring?”

“Would you quit bringing that up?”

“You didn’t mention your ring. You only said I couldn’t talk about Francis. Also it seems you are self starving. You women are always coming up with silly ideas to look better only to ruin you natural beauty.” She was asking for it. When she had married Francis she had pushed the Russian away all because of her infatuation with the Frenchman. Now Ivan seemed to be reminding of her of her cruelty towards him.

Francis. Merely mentioning her ex-husband was like he was massaging a fresh bruise. She deserved it. Ivan hadn’t avoided her all those years; she had been the one who alienated him. In a way it was his right to bring up the past no matter how painful it was. Then again she couldn’t allow him to be cruel to her now.

“You always liked getting under peoples skin so how am I supposed to assume that you’re not trying the same thing with me?” Ivan had no intention of doing that. The look on her face gave the impression she was feeling attacked, making him her enemy.

“So you think I’m a monster too da?”

“Stop that! Why do you always assume that people think badly of you?”

“Because it’s true. Why should you be any different?” That hurt more than he intended.

“I guess I’m not then. This was a bad idea. I’m just going to leave.” He couldn’t have that. As she made her way to the door he quickly grabbed a handful of crumpled bills from his pocket to slam on the table. _____ was already out the door and near her car once he caught up to her.

“Please let me explain.”

“It’s fine. I don’t need Francis seeing you around me anyway. If that happens then I might never get him back.”

“He left?” She wasn’t about to give him something to gossip about even though he wasn’t one for such things. Not caring that he was leaning on the passenger side she revved the engine loudly as a warning before backing up and forward from the front of the café to speed back home. Ivan was left standing there with more questions. 

If France was no longer with her then maybe there was a chance he could win her like he had intended all those years ago. This time France wasn’t going to get the best of him. ______ would be his even if it meant he would have to break a few bones in the process; especially if they were French bones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had written a smaaaaaaaaaall fic about France and reader leaving him. Should I even post that? It’s another song fic but I think I managed to embed the lyrics a lot better than this one.


	3. Territorial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely reader!
> 
> Poor Russia is confused and wants a second chance for a meet up. Little do you know that someone else will be showing up unannounced and clearly looking for trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope the text messages aren't too confusing. I don't know how else to make them clearer.

Message From (xxx) xxx-xxxx  
Hello Sunflower.

Ivan always had a fondness for sunflowers. Once upon a time he complimented how she was as bright, sunny and beautiful as the favored flora. So for years he’d call her sunflower; back when they’d been friends.

At the moment she didn’t feel bright. The dreary sky they’d been under for weeks was closer to how she felt. She was no longer the sunny girl he’d known all those years ago. It was difficult to be so with a broken heart. Beautiful wasn’t a word she used to describe herself ever since Francis stopped telling her so. Seeing the text Ivan sent her with the familiar nickname filled her with shame and guilt. He hadn’t gotten upset when she ditched him like she expected. 

Message From ______  
Hi Vanya.

Message From (xxx) xxx-xxxx  
I’m sorry that I upset you. If you like I will let you hit me.

Message From ______  
No it’s ok. I was just being sensitive.

Message From (xxx) xxx-xxxx  
Was it Francis? Did he hurt you?

Message From ______  
I really don’t want to talk about it.

Message From (xxx) xxx-xxxx  
We used to be able to talk about everything.

Message From ______  
Can we start all over? We could have lunch.

Message From VANYA  
Anything for you Sunflower.

Message From ______  
Ok then. I’ll see you tomorrow at the park by the old photo shop.

Message From VANYA  
Tomorrow then. I can’t wait.

† † †

She had called him Vanya. More like texted but it was there. His older sister would call him Vanya back then when they were little. _____ soon found out how much he enjoyed being called that so she began using the pet name for special occasions. To her it was like a secret that needed to be kept between them. Recalling all those special times made it more special. Her texting it now after so long meant she still cared; she had forgiven him. This wasn’t something he would take lightly. She had a tendency to hold small grudges, so her being so willing to forgive this time was strange. There certainly was something hurting her otherwise she would've turned to another friend. Some things only a best friend could fix.

† † †

There wasn’t a memory she could recall where she’d been this excited to see someone. Ivan was expecting her at the park and she wasn’t going to be the one to keep him waiting. Just knowing he could be already there expecting her caused her heart to flutter. It was a familiar feeling but unexpected.

“You’d think a girl would learn.” It didn’t make the smile she already have on her face fade though. Even if he didn’t intend to return her feelings it was good to have her best friend back. Last night she admitted to herself France was gone. There was no changing it, so why stay mopping over one man? Ivan was trying to spend time with her so why deny him? They’d been so close before. Hopefully they could repair the bond once more. First things first, she had to be presentable. 

Even though she was only going to the park she dressed in her best winter outfit she owned, giving her the confidence she needed. Today she would live up to the name ”Sunflower”. It didn’t hurt that it made her look good, after all Ivan wasn’t just anyone; he was special.

One last look at herself and she was out the door with more cheer than she had felt in months. Just to make sure nothing got in the way she even called the office to let them know she would be conducting business with Ivan. Her boss wouldn’t have allowed her to go if he knew she was actually just wanting to hang out. They didn’t need to get into her social life anyway.

Back when they were still talking, Ivan and she would pay many visits to this park for the snow. Coincidentally, every meeting they had in Canada would suddenly snow. _____ didn’t get much snow in her country so any chance they got Ivan willed himself to play in the icy fluff. It was just another thing that made her love him. It didn’t matter if he was reluctant to get dirty, he tried to have fun with her. Francis never did that; in fact he would try to make her step away from her comfort zone. In a way it was a blessing since it taught her some things we're scary to try but the end result was usually pleasant. Maybe that same lesson would help her with Ivan. 

She was hesitant to leave the warmth of her car but the promise of warm company was too enticing to pass up. Reaching their preferred bench at 11:47 it was a surprise he hadn’t arrived yet. It didn’t matter; she’d wait all day if need be. Her excitement then changed to despair when she saw blonde hair peeking from the other side of the hill, only it was the wrong blonde.

† † †

She’d been in love with Ivan but the man never shown any interest of wanting to be more than friends with her. Little did she know Francis knew otherwise. Russia had been infatuated with her from the start. Toris was the one to tell France in hopes that he would help Ivan, but he had no intention to assist anyone. When he came along to sweep ______ off her feet she didn’t hesitate to lose herself in his loving ways. At first it felt good to have a victory against Russia. Seeing him trying to find a way back into her life had been satisfying until Ivan stopped altogether. After that Francis lost interest. He tried to be a good husband to her but it proved too difficult for the flirtatious man. Nearly six years of marriage didn’t help him learn to love her like he had hoped. She deserved to be loved. _____ had been nothing but faithful, loving, understanding and kind to him. Her attempts to keep him with her had been admirable but it didn’t satisfy him.

What was he to do? Surely she didn’t expect him to accept his fate even if it had been his own doing. Apparently she did expect it because when she found out about Celeste it nearly broke her. The love she harbored for him was deep enough for the effect to be devastating. Alas, it pained him to see her so sorrowful but he couldn’t deny his heart and at the moment Celeste was the one pulling the strings. 

Maybe if he hadn’t followed ______ to the office that day then it would have been a different story. As of right now he had to deal with the matter at hand. His ex-wife was sitting right where he suspected with shock on her face confirming the information he received was correct. It almost looked like she wanted to run but there wasn’t any point since he knew where she would head.

“Salut cherie. I knew I’d find you ere.”

“How?” 

“You’re new secretary asn’t learned to keep hiz mouth shut.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I needed to speak wiz you mon ami.”

“I’m not your friend.” He ignored her comment to sit right next to her, wrapping his arm  
across her shoulders. She stiffened but she’d always been too polite so she didn’t move from her spot.

“You’re right. We’re more zan that.”

“Leave me alone please. I’m meeting with someone.”

“Ah oui. Russia. How iz the bully now a days?”

“Don’t call him that. What do you want? You haven’t looked for me in months. Why all of a sudden do you show up?”

“Does a man need an excuse to look for iz wife?”

“I’m not your wife anymore. You signed the papers September.”

“Non mes enfant. I never did.” Her surprise was priceless.

“What?!” At this point she was up, practically shoving him from herself. “Why? Even if that’s true then why did you leave?!”

“But _____ don’t you remember? You left. It was heart breaking but I realized you needed the space so I let you. Now that I’m sure you’ve ad enough time I’ve come back to ask your forgiveness.” This wasn’t happening. Just moments before she had been over this man but now he was back, asking for her heart all over again. She’d be lying if she said he was no longer in control of her emotions.

“I have to think about it.”

“You still love me.”

“You don’t know that.”

“You would ave ran if it were not so.”

“I can’t trust you.” In her mind she knew better to let him back in but there was still that little bit of herself that loved him. That twinge of doubt was more than enough to confuse her to tears. Francis saw it as a good time to move in and wipe the drops from her cheeks. Surprisingly she didn’t shy away from his touch.

“We ave eternity to fix that. Please _____ give me a chance.” 

† † †

Ivan felt betrayed though he knew _____ would never willingly hurt him like that. Yet there she was with Francis in a sickening display of affection. He couldn’t hear what they were saying but most likely it didn’t bode well for their meeting. Even from this far he could tell she was crying which also made him upset. Not to mention it seemed they were still together. Had he misinterpreted her actions yesterday? Maybe he was only hoping what he saw was real, now it looked like he wasn’t going to have a chance after all.

“You cheated on me!” Or maybe he would. Without hesitating he walked up to the pair in hopes of rescuing his friend.

“I never meant to-”

“You heard her da?” He could see Francis cringe at his voice which pleased Ivan very much.

“Ivan!” She shouted at him letting him know she was relieved to see him.

“Hello sunflower. I’m sorry I’m late but I needed to take care of something.”

“I don’t remember giving you permission to see my wife.” That threw him for a loop. They were still married?

“I’m not your wife Francis. I can see who I please.” His possessiveness reminded her that she was angry at this man. He didn’t have the right to tell her what to do anymore.

“_____ don’t you realize this man iz a danger to your health? It’s best if we go home and talk about thiz.”

“She won’t be going anywhere with you. I was meant to spend the day with her and I will.”

“You ave no right! I am er husband.”

“You are nothing to her. Who was the one to abandon her? I have more right to her than anyone. If _____ is going to be territory then she will be mine.” 

“That’s what you see me as?” Ivan realized too late what he implied in that sentence.

“I’m just property to the both of you. Well the joke’s on you. I’m done with you both. From this day on I’m independent. I can’t believe I trusted either of you.” If they tried to stop her she didn’t notice because she was running back to her car faster than she’d ever done in her life. Francis would have caught up to her if Ivan hadn’t stopped him.

“You did this to her.”

“I wasn’t the one to call er property.”

“I never would have said that if you hadn’t pushed me.”

“Grow up Russia! That’s why she came to me in the first place. You are such a child and a monster. She couldn’t wait to be rid of you.” Ivan hadn’t thought of that. His grip on Francis coat loosened enough for him to get away with a smirk of triumph.

“Did she say that?”

“You were lucky enough to ave er as long as you did. Now if you excuse me I ave a wife that needs consoling.” Francis walked off knowing he had won. Ivan was unable to move. Sure he loved _____, but that never meant she would ever love him back. Maybe it was better for her to stay with France. If anything he would only break her just like he did with everyone else.

† † †

It was a surprise she hadn’t noticed before. She thought his comments on merging with her were a joke. Now it looked like he’d always been serious about it. It wasn’t fair for everyone to want you for the benefit of it. It seemed at this point hoping for a friend was as pointless as trying to find some flowers in winter. Ivan only wanted to get closer to her so she would willingly become territory. At least he was considerate enough to let her have a choice in the matter. 

As for Francis, maybe he really did care about her and she had shamefully turned him down. Then again she saw what happened that faithful day with her own eyes. What proof did she have that his feelings had changed? Her mind was still muddled from the tears she let shed at home. There was no point in trying to make sense of anything right now. She spilled her sorrow out on to the sheets and pillows hoping whatever hurt she was feeling would die if she just cried out long and hard enough. The world didn’t seem to want to give her the chance. 

Only a few minutes in she was interrupted by knocking at the door. When she failed to answer she was alerted by chimes coming from her phone. Checking the small screen she clearly saw the I.D.’s of the two men that were the cause of her hurt. Francis was the first to call her. After three rings she thought it best to get it over with.

“What?”

“______ belle; I only want to talk. Sil vous plait.”

“No I never want to see you again.” She was surprised how steady her voice was considering she was a mess seconds ago.

“I know he hurt you my sweet but you must understand that I still love you. I’m asking you to please reconsider.” A moment of clarity came in time for her to come up with a plan to use this in her favor.

“Meet me at the usual café at seven.”

“It’s closed by then.”

“They have the tables outside just be there. We’ll talk then.”

“I’ll see you then.” Soon after she called back Ivan.

“Sunflower?”

“Meet me back at the café at seven. You can explain yourself there.”

“Da I will.” He could tell that she had been in tears earlier but he promised himself he would make it up to her for it.


	4. Motivated by Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My dear Reader,
> 
> Russia is on time for the meet up and he witnesses something that makes his blood boil. France is about to find out just how violent Russia can really be. Will you get there in time to stop their encounter?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning you now that Russia will be violent in this and have very aggressive feelings here.

Ivan had always known ______ to be punctual or even a few minutes early so he made sure to be there exactly fifteen minutes before seven. The street was surprisingly empty considering that a few shops were still open. The snow was piled high enough to make the residents think twice of leaving their warm homes. For Ivan it was child’s play. Snow was still falling though, so he sought refuge beside the building keeping an eye out for ______ so he could step out of the shadows once she arrived.

Just a few minutes before seven a car pulled up just a few feet before the little restaurant though clearly the shops on that side were all closed. It wasn’t like him to be so curious but something told him to take a second look at the contents of the vehicle.

Low and behold there was France on the passenger seat with none other than the little secretary he recognized instantly. At first he assumed the little twig had quit to work for Francis but what he saw next gave him other ideas. The two passengers were now engaging in a heated exchange of tongues with arms entangling them closer to each other. This scene confirmed what he’d been assuming. France had indeed left her for this little speck of a girl and what’s worse was he was planning on tricking her once again. He wasn’t going to allow this. Seeing the French having his way with the woman was making him grind his teeth in rage behind his still smiling facade. 

______ had planned this. It was obvious now and it wouldn’t surprise him if she stood them up but clearly t  
it was her wish they would meet up and kill one another. Ivan wasn’t going to purposefully disappoint his best friend. If anything he was very willing to make this man disappear. Too many hearts had suffered in the hands of France. It was about time he answered for his crimes.

It took too long for Francis to finally exit the car. The girl had just come to drop him off for the meeting. Ivan let the car turn the corner out of sight before he made the move to grab Francis from his shoulders, forcefully making him face him.

“Well well. Looks like you’ve just escaped from that terrible captor of yours. Tell me did she threaten to gouge your eyes out if you didn’t kiss her so fiercely?”

“Where is _____?” France asked fearfully as he played around the street.

“I do believe she stood us up da? But don’t worry I’m sure we can keep each other company.” Ivan squeezed as hard as he could on Francis’s shoulders making him yelp.

“You don’t understand. She was just a fling.”

“I wonder if ______ would accept that answer.”

“Don’t you dare tell er!”

“Or what? You’ll wack me repeatedly with that little stick of yours?” Then he had a most entertaining idea. “Let me show you what a real stick looks like.” France could nothing but watch as Ivan mysteriously brought out a long metal pipe from his coat.

“Can’t we talk about this?”

“Oh would you? You want to talk about how you took my sunflower away when you clearly knew that I loved her? How about that you wanted to keep your dirty little secret and keep_____ from rising against you?” Francis knew Ivan had put two and two together; now it was a matter of surviving this encounter till she arrived. Surely she hadn’t meant to leave him here with this brute. 

“Listen Ivan I understand you feel a little cheated but surely you know I was much better suited for er. After all you never gave any hint of your feelings towards er. Were you expecting er to wait eternity for you? I was looking out for er.”

“Well let’s see how well you look out for her when you’re eyes are swollen shut.” This was not good. The pipe was still firm in his grasp but he didn’t use it on France. No he wanted to feel the man’s face make contact with his fist, to feel every bone crack under the force. It felt good. All the anger he had housed for this man was finally being released. France was desperately trying to take hold of his attackers arm to get him to stop but Ivan was still able to make contact. He would have kept going till he was satisfied.

“Francis!” Dropping both his arm and pipe Ivan turned to see the reason for his outburst. ______, with a look of horror, was witnessing him mangling her significant other.

“_____ please help me! He’s deranged!” The Russian slammed France’s back to the snowy sidewalk while tightening his grip on the man’s collar. 

“You want to see crazy Mr. France Da?”

“Ivan! Don’t!” He was going to anyway. This anger he was feeling was no longer just towards this lecher but also to her. The stupid girl who didn’t see how much he loved her yet gave her heart away to men who were clearly out for themselves.

“Let’s see that pretty face turn to some pudding.” With that same sickly smile he forcefully connected his fist to Francis' face over, and over, and over again. The mix of adrenalin with violence always managed to blank his mind so he never saw his own pipe be clumsily lifted and rammed to his shoulder. Ivan hissed in pain while releasing his victim to nurse the surprise injury. The red he was seeing was replaced with the sight of a bruised France running towards ______ then dragging her away.

“Wait!” His cry was ignored though it was no surprise. The fear he saw in her eyes said it all. He lost her and it was his own fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extremely short chapter I know but I'm beginning to see I'm probably not cut out for writing if I can't even write a decent size chapter.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My darling Reader.
> 
> There's going to be an attempt here. It gets dark sometimes and I hope that wherever you are you will be safe and content. Russia though will need saving from his own hand right now.

“Let me go!” France had dragged her nearly five blocks from Ivan. This man could be very strong when fueled with fear.

“Are you insane?! He will be on our tailz at any moment! If you think I’m going to stick around to see you get beaten by that monster you're as crazy as he is.”

“Shut up!” Her scream was a surprise even to her. This was too much. “He is not a monster! You're a sick and perverted man who has no consideration for anyone but himself. Ivan will always be better than you because his kindness is sincere while you go and play with people. Go back to your plaything Francis! I for one am done being your toy.” He looked at her not really sure if he should let her go so easily but he wasn’t willing to get himself killed even if she was, in a way, special to him. In the end self preservation won.

“Don’t come crying to me if you end up with a broken bone.”

“If I ever see you again it’ll be too soon.” Already tired of speaking to the pathetic waste of time she started her trip back to the person who needed her the most.

† † †

Ivan hadn’t stayed to see what would happen if the police found him. France had always been a rat. At least there was blood on the snowy sidewalk for them to admire. It wasn’t good he was feeling pride but he couldn’t help himself. In a way Ivan hurt France almost as much as he hurt his sunflower; if he could even call her that now after what she saw. There wasn’t time to be thinking about it now as he walked through the streets trying to find a place to hide. The blood on his gloved hands wasn’t going to help him on his search. The town wasn’t terribly crowded this late but he couldn’t risk it. 

For a second he remembered whose blood he spilled along with the memory of ______’s face as she witnessed the whole ordeal. That alone caused his feet to slow then stop entirely right into the shadows of an alley way. There was no way she would speak to him now. Just like that morning, he let himself curl up and cry. Who in their right mind would come back to someone after that? He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone even though he knows death doesn’t come unless tempted. He feels like a man in his cell who regrets what he’s done. This life, his own life was like a prison with no hope for something better; not even a friend to help cope with everyday annoyances let alone this torment he felt day to day. For the first time in ages he wished he could go back to where he had clean hands along with innocence; something he lost long ago. Back then his sisters were still comforting not fearful, when he had a family. If he could change things then maybe he could’ve had _____. Knowing the impossibility of it all he utters a cry from the depths of his soul.

“Oh lord, forgive me. I just want go home.” Like every night before, all he received was silence. This particular silence was damning. There wasn’t anything stopping him now so he might as well get it over with. Just one swig from his hidden flask and the burning alcohol was enough to make an attempt on life. His precious scarf which had brought him so much warmth would now be the one to take it away. 

It was simple really, almost like it was meant to be done. Right there he climbed the top of a lone dumpster next to a raised fire escape would serve as his hanging tree. Numb hands worked steadily as they formed the noose on one end of the pale fabric while tying the other end to the highest rung he could reach. Once the cloth was again snuggly placed around his neck he looked out from the alley way to the street. The light didn’t seem to reach him as if trying to hide him, a precaution so no one would be able to halt his actions. The jump wasn’t terribly high; after all he had jumped out of a plane once. His scarf didn’t feel like an unforgiving rope but like a familiar friend. This seemed so simple and it would make so many people happy. At least that’s what he wanted, so _____ would never have to fear him again. 

Deep breath. He closed his eyes just before jumping. It hadn’t been high enough to snap his neck like he had hoped so now his throat was mercilessly being crushed by the binding. He had wanted to die but his body wanted life so it forced him to claw at his neck to try to free itself; the ground a mere inch away from his toes. His lungs screamed for nourishment while at the same time he felt his head was ready to explode. Fear and dread shot through his system making him panic and squirm helplessly. Lack of air took its toll clouding his eyes with black spots. Soon he would lose consciousness and that would be the end of it but till then he was in pain as well as afraid, so afraid that he didn’t feel when ______ cut him loose just after he blacked out.

“Ivan! Wake up!” She tugged at the scarf seeing it was still too tight around his neck. It felt forever before she managed to loosen it enough for him to start breathing. Immediately instincts took over, forcing his lungs to once again work on supplying his body with oxygen. Never would she feel so enraptured to see his chest rise and fall. A few moments later and he would have; no she wasn’t going to think like that. Right now she needed to get him home though in her state she would need help. After making sure he had a pulse and that he was in fact breathing normally she took out her phone.

“Toris! It’s me. Come and get me. I’m at Sparrow and Crowns just behind the bakery. Hurry ok. Ivan’s hurt.”

† † †

Ivan felt warm, heavy, and sore but it was dark. At first he was sure he was dead and if he dared open his eyes then he’d surely meet death. Maybe if he kept them shut then he’d be able to stay in this darkness. Then he heard a voice; somewhere deep inside. 

“Ivan.” It was her voice calling out. He opened his eyes and was welcomed with the sight of her in tears not sure if she was angry, though she had every right to be.

“I’m sorry sunflower.” His throat still felt stiff.

“You should be.” The anger in her words scared him. He wanted her to retaliate against him with a slap or some yelling, anything as long as her tears would stop.

“I never want to see you try to kill yourself again!”

“I deserved it.” He felt the slap on his cheek before realizing he said it out loud. The strike didn’t actually hurt since she was so weak herself but the anger was still there. A moment passed before she collapsed onto his chest in sobs, desperately clinging to him as if he would disappear in seconds.

“I know you’ve murdered.” He froze while his mind raced to figure out how many of the lives he had taken was she aware of. “I know you’ve lied.” That was no surprise. ______ was smarter than most in his terms. Any lies he would come up with were certain to be uncovered. “I’ve watched you suffer all of your life and you never once let me in. I tried to help but you would always push me away so I thought you didn’t want me around. I never wanted to force myself on you.” She was still crying but her words miraculously didn’t falter. She needed him to know this. “I know you think that no one could possibly care about you. I know because I had the same thoughts.” Suddenly she felt his arms grip her firmly while he nuzzled into her hair.

“That’s not true Sunflower.”

“Let me explain, please.”

“Da.”

“Francis hurt me.” His grip tightened at the mention of his name. “He was the most loving man I knew so I thought that if he couldn’t love me then who would? But then you came along and I can honestly say you saved me. You showed me that you cared in your own way. I might not agree with the way you handled things but it proves that you care. I’m sorry I never noticed before but I promise that I’ll make it up to you. Now that you’ll listen I’ll tell you that I’ll love you for you; not for what you’ve done or what you’ll become. I’ll be the one to keep you from that dark place you seemed to have crawled into. I only hope that I do you justice and I’ll give you that love you never knew.” Ivan’s silence wasn’t giving her that sense of accomplishment she wanted to feel after her monologue.

“You will love me da?” His arms connected around her shoulders queuing he wanted confirmation.

“Yes Vanya. I loved you yesterday, today, and I will tomorrow.” _____ looked to see that Ivan was in tears but there was a smile, a real smile.

“I love you too.” It felt good to finally have these feelings out in the open. It was a few moments before she dried his tears to have an excuse to pull him in for their first kiss. It was different from any other kisses she had experienced. This one held real love; it was accepting, understanding and most importantly unconditional. It meant that no matter what happened they would be there for one another. That’s all they ever hoped for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was fun... Sorta.

**Author's Note:**

> Gotta try to reach out for others when you're feeling low. 
> 
> Is anyone else out there?! 
> 
> Hello?!
> 
> Anyone else love how aksiwhsjh TALL Russia is?! I just want that man to hold me.


End file.
